All of the Feels: Accepting the Gifts of Emotion

In our culture, we are taught that certain feelings are off limits. There is a general sense that if you’re not happy most of the time that you’re doing life wrong.

I went into my own therapy and my career of becoming a therapist to rid myself and others of all those inconvenient and unpleasant feelings of fear and pain. Before I began any of my own therapy, I didn’t even have words to describe what my therapist referred to as “feelings”. Why would I want to describe or acknowledge any of these horrible sensations and experiences with words that might allow other humans to understand what I was going through and maybe even see the real me?

After doing my best to avoid feelings in my therapist’s office for as long as he would allow, I acquiesced to his consistent, we’ll call it re-direction: “That’s not a feeling, that’s a thought”. When I started labeling my emotions I discovered something quite shocking—it takes a lot less energy and creates less suffering to just feel them and maybe, if you’re brave enough, to share them with someone else.

Upon deeper investigation, I began to understand that I had neatly tucked away my feelings. I had traded them in for a nicely organized chart of life experiences with lots of explanations and justifications to avoid ever experiencing any of those emotions. I later discovered this was called intellectualization, a distorted thinking pattern, set up by certain parenting missteps from my major caregivers.

The Gift of Emotion

I’ve also learned that each of the eight primary emotions offers us different gifts, and to avoid any of them negates a unique part of the human experience. It turns out that while I was avoiding all that pain and fear, I was actually avoiding a whole lot of joy, love, and passion as well.

Through my work here at The Meadows, I have seen how much damage can be done while trying to avoid feelings. People attempt to avoid feelings through various types of addictions and other unhealthy behaviors. Many times shame is a major contributing factor. Interestingly enough, as we try to medicate our feelings of shame and worthlessness, we are actually creating more shame, which then has to be medicated as well, leaving us in a never ending bind. By looking at our past we are able to identify the messages we received about which feelings are “okay” and which are not, and eventually learn to cope with all of them. By learning to tolerate and accept feelings the way they are, and not the way we want them to be, we allow ourselves to become more authentic. The result is that we are less prone to use those old methods of avoidance and self-protection that landed us in a heap of trouble.

The Eight Basic Feelings

So, you may be thinking, “why would I want to feel my feelings?” The answer is that each one of our emotions offers us a distinctive gift. Even fear, pain, and shame—emotions we are most likely to try to avoid—serve an important purpose.Healthy fear lets us know that we are in danger and should move to safety, literally keeping us alive.

Pain may be one of the reasons you’re on this particular website; and really, it’s one of the main catalysts for change. Most people do not enter a treatment program or make a major life change without first experiencing some amount of pain. Pain can be a real motivator and—let’s face it—sometimes a good cry feels really healing.

When it comes to our own shame, healthy feelings of shame offer us containment. As Pia Mellody says, we only need enough healthy shame to keep us from running naked down the street. Experiencing our own shame allows us to accept our own mistakes and humanity; and, with those experiences, we are able to accept the mistakes of others without all that self-righteous victim anger or resentment bubbling up.

Most people don’t end up in treatment because of having too much joy, passion, or love; however, maybe you grew up in a family where these feelings were not acknowledged or expressed. Joy, passion, and love are the building blocks of relationships and being able to get in touch with and express these three feelings can be a very powerful experience and improve your mood almost instantly.

Learning to Feel

I’d like to think that I’ve made friends with most of those eight emotions, and have learned that the most uncomfortable feelings offer me the greatest lessons.
If you are struggling to cope with your emotions, join us for one of our Survivors workshops. These workshops are designed to provide you insight into how your past is impacting your present, as well as, reducing reactivity and intensity of your feelings in your current relationships. Call 866-932-2036 for more information.

Source Link:- Trauma Therapy Arizona

Don’t Carry Shame into The New Year

Have you ever sent the wrong text message to the exact wrong person? I have. In fact, I did it recently. I sent a message about a person TO THAT person—the horror! The consequence? Well, besides being cut from that person’s Christmas card list, I suffered a complete and utter shame attack.

In Facing Codependence, Pia Mellody describes a shame attack as feeling “as though your body is getting smaller. You may blush, want to disappear, run away, or crawl under your chair. It seems that everyone is looking at you. Feeling nauseated, dizzy, or spacey is also common” (p.103). I can vouch for this: I curled up in the fetal position and wanted the ground to swallow me up. Not dramatic at all…

Mellody explains that a shame attack occurs when we encounter “carried shame.” Carried shame is induced into us from various types of traumas and abuses experienced in childhood. It diminishes our ability to experience self-worth and value and causes us to feel perpetually less than other people.

This carried shame forms the basis for the first symptom of codependence: “difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem…and is…the heart of codependence. And this is why codependence is called a shame-based disease” (Mellody, p.105 ).

Therefore, it is my New Year’s resolution to never send a text message to the wrong person ever again and avoid shame attacks from here on out.

OK, I’m joking.

My New Year’s resolution is to get better at practicing what I preach as a therapist. I want to continue to actively work on my carried shame that is at the core of my codependence.

So, I have made the decision and taken the necessary steps to continue with my recovery and progress made during my week at The Survivors I Workshop at The Rio Retreat Center, so that the next time I send the wrong text I can say “oops, my bad” instead of “I’m bad, take me now oh, Text Gods.”

Facing Childhood Trauma to Overcome Shame

The Survivors I: Healing Childhood Trauma Workshop is based on The Meadows Senior Fellow Pia Mellody’s pioneering work in her book, Facing Codependence. It is an essential component of The Meadows inpatient treatment program and is also open to interested individuals as a stand-alone workshop.

In a safe supportive environment, Survivors I explores the origins that fuel self-defeating behaviors such as addictions, trauma, mood disorders, and troubling relationships. The primary focus of this workshop is processing and releasing the negative messages and emotions that were rooted in painful experiences from the past allowing the freedom to embody your authentic self. For more information, or to register, call 866-244-4949 or email us.

Source Link – Center for Healing Childhood Trauma

Everyone needs a therapy…

When somebody mentions therapist, psychiatrist or mental health care specialist, we assume them to be a mental patient. The person having therapist may not be mental patient but instead just requires a little bit of help. The people who are suffering from emotional trauma just needs emotional support, which in our language we say Healing Trauma. We at Rio Retreat conduct various Healing from trauma workshops in Arizona. There are 5 different types of Trauma Therapy in Arizona provided by Rio Retreat:

1. Survivors I: Healing Childhood Trauma

We provide safe and supportive environment, in which victim faces his defeating behaviors such as addictions, trauma, mood disorders, and troubling relationships. The primary focus of this workshop is releasing the negative messages and emotions to embody your authentic self.

2. Survivors II: Continue the Healing Journey

Survivors II is an advanced intensive customized to meet the needs of the participants of Survivor I. It is structured for those suffering from unresolved childhood and adult trauma who are struggling with self-defeating behaviors they wish completion of its previous healing work.

3. Healing Intimate Treason: For Partners of Sex Addiction

Here we teach participants about the biology and the behavior of sex and love addiction. This is a workshop that assists partners in moving through their grief and loss, breaking free from the attachment to fantasy, and enhancing emotional self-regulation. The motto of this workshop is to create a safe and compassionate environment, which provides a path to healing as they travel on their own journey in recovery.

4. Healing Heartache: A Grief And Loss Workshop

Here participants are offered hope for the future. We believe that feelings and words that are left unsaid needs to be released through experiential exercises. Issues pertaining to relational problems are addressed, with an emphasis on recognizing emotional reactions to loss, trauma, and broken dreams.

Motivate Ourselves – Set Some Boundaries

We often try to motivate ourselves through should statements:
“I should have done better.” “I shouldn’t have said that.” “I should only have one cookie.”

But really, the only thing that is guaranteed from should-ing on ourselves is the emotional consequence of guilt.

This is also the case, in my experience at least, when other people should me. I’m not talking about constructive feedback or when we are learning a new skill, but the type of should-ing that occurs from people struggling with their own codependence.


Individuals who should us, are likely coming from their adapted ego state of needing to be in control. To test this, think of a time you told someone what they should have done instead of what they actually did; did you think you knew better?  Did you want to control the situation because you knew how it should be handled?  Did you believe a certain situation could have been avoided had someone just listened to your advice?

In my experience, there are days that I struggle to remain in my functional adult state and cross over to a state of being too vulnerable. This often occurs with particular individuals (parents, eh?) with whom I still grapple with damaged or fractured boundaries. On these days, or with these people, when I am should-ed upon, I have a shame attack and feelings of guilt that are difficult for me to shake off.

Protecting Yourself from Carried Guilt

Having experienced this very thing today, I would like to share some ways to overcome these feelings of guilt and shame and move back to our functional adult self.

Visualize your Boundaries
 
Remind yourself where you begin and end, and where they do. Sometimes it is helpful to reinforce this boundary through visualization. Some people picture a hula-hoop around them and gauge that space around them as theirs and protected. I tend to visualize building a small pony wall, and each brick has a needed word/affirmation on it. (e.g. trust, love, safe. ).

Reframe Your Thoughts

We feel guilt because we believe have erred in some way. Our own guilt lets us know that we have done something outside of our value system. Carried guilt, on the other hand, is induced into us from childhood trauma and strikes us even when something is not outside of our values. We may even blame ourselves for things that are not within our control. If you make the determination that you are feeling carried guilt instead of your own guilt, recognize that this particular should-ing experience is resulting in a cognitive distortion and work to reframe 

your thinking. For example:
“I am human and fallible.”
“This is not about me but it is about them and their cognitive distortions/codependence.

Talk About Your Boundaries

Having reframed your thoughts in order to work through the feelings of guilt, communicate with the individual in order to be heard and not to manipulate a particular response or reaction. This can be done through using Pia Mellody’s talking boundary:

“When I heard you say…
What I make up about that/What I think about that is…
And about that, I feel…”
Or even a simple I-statement:

“I feel..… when… because…”

Hopefully, through these three steps, you can move away from the feelings of guilt and the damaging effects of should-ing and back into your functional adult self. It worked for me today!

SOURCE LINK : Rio Retreat Center at the Meadows