Do
you find yourself ending up in one painful, damaging, and disastrous
relationship after another? Do you feel like a failure because you
haven’t yet found true love?
Do you want to know the secret to
finding your soul mate? Do you want to know how to find a person with
whom you can live happily ever after in a perfect and blissfully
all-consuming romantic relationship that books, songs, and movies
have told us since we were kids that we are supposed to have?
The secret is… There is no
secret. Those kinds of relationships don’t exist.
Intense and overwhelming feelings
of “love at first sight” and the belief that the other person
“completes you,” may actually just be delusions brought on by
Love Addiction.
That sounds terribly cynical,
doesn’t it? I don’t mean to say that true love—mature love—does
not exist. It just means that you might have to do a little work to
break through your addictive cycle before you can find it.
What is Love Addiction?
Love
Addiction is characterized by feeling “high” during the
initial phases of the relationship. Love Addicts often describe the
feelings that come after a person has triggered their fantasy of an
ideal mate as intensely pleasurable. They often make statements to
the effect that this person is their “soulmate” or “love at
first sight.” This person becomes the sole focus in their life, to
the detriment of other relationships with children, friends, work,
and self-care. Love Addicts will tolerate almost anything in the
relationship due to a fear of being left.
Breaking Down the Wall of Seduction
Love Addicts are often drawn to
people who are Love Avoidant. A Love Avoidant is drawn to a Love
Addict’s neediness due to a belief that their role in a
relationship is to take care of the other person. The Love Avoidant
begins the relationship with a Wall of Seduction. In other words,
they present as a “Super Woman” or “Super Man.” This Wall of
Seduction impedes true intimacy.
Eventually, the Love Avoidant
will become overwhelmed by the Love Addict’s neediness and will
withdraw from the relationship by creating intensity outside of it,
perhaps with work, a drug addiction, or another person.
Shattering the Fantasy
During the Love Addiction / Love
Avoidant cycle, there typically is what Meadows Senior Fellow Pia
Mellody describes as a “shattering event.” This event destroys
the Love Addict’s fantasy about the Love Avoidant, throwing the
Love Addict into withdrawal. The withdrawal results in extreme pain,
fear, panic or even rage. Eventually, the Love Avoidant’s guilt or
their own fear of abandonment may bring them back into the
relationship with the Love Addict, and the cycle begins all over
again.
This unhealthy cycle of behavior
is unfortunately what often passes for “romance” and “love”
in our society, but in reality, it is neither. It is addiction,
relationship compulsivity, and a fear of love and intimacy.
A “healthy” relationship
after recovery from love addiction and/or love avoidance (and yes,
there can be recovery) involves what Pia refers to as “mature
love.” Mature love involves loving a person “warts and all” and
not leaving them or punishing them because they cannot fully embody
your fantasy. A healthy relationship requires realistic expectations
that are discussed openly and honestly, especially at the initial
stages of the relationship.
For the Love Addict in recovery,
it involves getting rid of their fantasy of the ideal mate and not
demanding unconditional positive regard, self-sacrifice, and care at
all times from the other person. For the Love Avoidant, it begins
with coming out from behind their walls and letting their partner see
who they really are.
Love addiction and Love Avoidance
can occur not only with romantic partners but also with friends,
children, bosses, etc.
Source Link:- Rio Retreat Center
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