Rio Retreat Workshop Discount Through March 31

Book any workshop for 2017 during the month of March and you’ll receive $500 off the cost of registration. (Some exclusions apply.)

A few of the life-changing options we have coming up for March, April, and May can help you begin to…

• Make peace with your past Survivors I and Survivors II
• Find more compassion for yourself and others Mind & Heart: A Mindful Path to Wholehearted Living
• Heal from grief and loss Healing Heartache: A Grief and Loss Workshop
• Break free from unhealthy relationship patterns Love Addiction/Love Avoidance
• Stop compulsive sexual behaviors Men’s Sexual Recovery
• Remove roadblocks to real physical and emotional intimacy Journey of a Woman’s Heart: Finding True Intimacy
• Reconnect with your spouse or partner Couples Bootcamp
• Move forward after sexual betrayal and infidelity Healing Intimate Treason: For Partners of Sex Addiction
  
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Signs that You Need Help for Sex Addiction

Are my sexual behaviors really that bad?

Just like any addiction, sexual addiction can occur on a continuum of severity. On one end of the spectrum is the person who has caused physical harm to themselves or others or who has gotten into legal trouble for their sexual behaviors. On the other end is the person who hides their behaviors and feels shame about them but has not really suffered any external or visible consequences as a result.

While a person who has suffered more consequences might be more likely to admit they have a problem, it is not necessary to let things get that far before seeking help. No one thinks that they will ever go “that far,” or that their addiction will get out of control. Almost everyone feels somewhat surprised when they find themselves neck deep in dire consequences from their sexual behaviors, having believed that they would somehow avoid the inevitable. It is possible, and wise to stop before it gets to that point.

How do I know if I have an addiction?

There are three common characteristics of addiction: obsession, compulsion, and continuation despite adverse consequences.

Obsession refers to the intrusive and sometimes never-ending thoughts about the behavior. Obsession could mean that a person constantly thinks about the behavior; but, more often, it simply means the obsessive thoughts come at times that are inconvenient, inappropriate, or distracting and that it is difficult to stop the thoughts when they do arrive. The thoughts can be about the actual sexual behavior or about some aspect of the behavior. People might obsess about a person that they act out with, a place where they have acted out, (a hotel, car, or certain club) a plan to act out, or something that they use in their acting out (website, flowers, secret phone) or even about plans to enable their acting out (checking funds, making reservations, thinking of excuses of why they will be home late).

Compulsion refers to the engagement in the behavior despite efforts to not engage. A person who makes sincere promises that they will discontinue the behavior, then finds excuses to continue doing it in spite of those promises is typically acting on a compulsion. Another common example of a compulsive behavior is when a person knows they have made a prior commitment to be somewhere, like at a family function, but they feel they must act out sexually and they do, making them late for the function or making them miss it entirely. Ultimately, compulsive behaviors will lead to adverse consequences; however, adverse consequences alone do not necessarily mean that an addiction is present. Some people engage in a behavior, suffer an undesirable consequence, and then never engage in that behavior again. But, when someone continues the behavior after suffering consequences, it indicates a more severe problem.

Imagine a person who compulsively views pornography. Their children find the digital files, and their spouse becomes very angry and insists that all the pornographic images be deleted from the computers in their home. Instead, the person downloads the images onto a flash drive, labels it “Architecture Plans,” and continues to watch it, hoping the children will be deterred by the label.

This is a continuation of behavior despite adverse external consequences and puts this person at risk for further undesirable outcomes. Internal consequences are just as important as external consequences but are often less obvious than external ones. Internal consequences include, but are not limited to, feelings of intense shame, intense self-hatred, isolation, and secrecy. Adverse external and/or internal consequences are usually what motivate the person to seek help.

Do I need help?

Adverse consequences have a unique way of offering a moment of clarity. A person may be willing to admit to themselves that they need help after suffering a consequence. Or they may be willing to get help, even if they are not sure they need it because, at a minimum, they want to avoid further painful consequences. There are also times when a person might seek help just to appease a loved one, their employer, or the courts.

Regardless of the reason, if the person receiving help is open to looking at the potential causes of their behavior and its consequences, they will reap the benefits of treatment. If you have suffered consequences for your sexual behaviors, particularly repeated consequences, the time to seek help is now.

Still have doubts?

When a person experiences consequences, it usually leads to a bit of an emotional crisis. There is a strong desire for the pain to stop. When the pain of consequences leads a person to make the wise decision to seek help, denial can sometimes step in and offer a second opinion. After the crisis of the consequence fades, decisions to seek help are occasionally rescinded. That call for help might seem like a “rash decision” or an “overreaction.” Do not allow yourself to fall back into the denial. Get the help you need. Your future self will thank you.

What are my options for help?

Rio Retreat at The Meadows offers two different 5-day workshops, one exclusively for men and one exclusively for women, that helps people begin to deal with their sexual compulsivity or sexual addiction.

The Men’s Sexual Compulsivity Workshop helps men to broaden participants’ views about sexuality, learn how to have healthy sexual experiences, maintain positive relationships, and avoid harmful patterns of the past.

The Journey of a Woman’s Heart: Finding True Intimacy Workshop is for women who want to explore unhealthy sexual patterns and behaviors that deeply impact their ability to develop real emotional connections. Methods for enhancing self-esteem from within, rather than seeking validation from outside sources are explored

The Meadows also offers inpatient treatment programs for sexual addiction and compulsivity. Gentle Path at The Meadows is exclusively for men and Willow House at The Meadows is exclusively for women. All of our programs are firmly based in the work of Dr. Patrick Carnes and his 30-task model. Please call our Intake Department at 866-986-3225 to begin the healing process and find out which program is best for you.

Source Link: Sex Addiction Treatment Arizona

The Complex Trauma Survivor Faces a Lifetime’s Worth of Bullying

Complex trauma survivors face a dilemma that very few can fathom: they are forced to confront present-day stressors while attempting to resolve triggers from the past. These layers upon layers of trauma take courage, support and time to unravel. The healing journey of a complex trauma survivor who has several sources of toxic stress is multifaceted. Their day to day reality is filled with tiny terrors embedded within larger cracks in the psychological war zone that is their psyche.

Survivors of bullying and other traumas face a double bind: not only are they oppressed by their peers, they are often oppressed by family members, authority figures and other life circumstances. When bullying is also supplemented with other microaggressions or tumultuous life events, the trauma is undeniably more forceful in its impact. What happens when the child is bullied at both school and the home, both meant to be safe places? What sort of effects linger far beyond childhood, when not only peers but also parental figures simultaneously terrorize the victim? Or what about the impact of chronic, severe bullying – a form of bullying which occurs for years across the child’s entire school career, rather than short-term?

The Effects of Life-Long Bullying

When one has undergone several sources of abuse throughout his or her lifetime, including but not limited to bullying, emotional neglect or abuse by parents, witnessing domestic violence, and/or even sexual abuse, starting from early childhood, the simultaneous wounding from multiple violations literally rewires the brain, creating disruptions in identity, self-efficacy and interpersonal effectiveness. According to Bessel van der Kolk, trauma causes the brain becomes re-organized to deal with danger, rather than mindful of present-day engagements; trauma survivors become subconsciously programmed to feel an overwhelming, pervasive sense of fear and helplessness.



Bullying already poses a severe socioemotional and academic threat to victims who endure it; victims of bullying are more likely to drop out of school, commit suicide, abuse substances, struggle with anxiety and depression, and have low self-esteem. If a child is targeted for bullying without protective factors such as supportive family members or validating authority figures, this form of alienation exacerbates toxic stress in the child’s life and presents high risks to their early development. A child abandoned by their family members or school administration during difficult circumstances suffers undeniably more. According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, “Without caring adults to buffer children, the unrelenting stress caused by extreme poverty, neglect, abuse, or severe maternal depression can weaken the architecture of the developing brain, with long-term consequences for learning, behavior, and both physical and mental health.”

Complex Trauma and Complex PTSD

While singular trauma is often linked to the development of PTSD, complex trauma can cause symptoms beyond PTSD – it can result in Complex PTSD. Judith Herman first coined the term “Complex PTSD” to explain what occurs when an individual experiences a prolonged period of victimization and captivity, usually experienced in situations like long-term domestic violence, long-term child sexual abuse, prisoner of war camps and organized child exploitation rings.

In addition to the regular symptoms of PTSD, which include hypervigilance, avoidance, dissociation, nightmares and flashbacks, someone with Complex PTSD also experiences issues with emotional regulation, consciousness, self-perception, distorted perceptions of the perpetrator and disruptions in interpersonal relationships.

Childhood abuse can be considered a form of ‘captivity’ and so can prolonged bullying when the child perceives no means of escape. The causes of complex trauma can thus be diverse and varied. According to trauma therapist Pete Walker, multiple sources of trauma can lead to a pervasive sense of toxic shame, a cruel inner critic and emotional flashbacks which cause the survivor to ‘regress’ back into the original traumas of the past.

Although Complex PTSD is often associated with long-term sexual or physical abuse, Walker confirms that long-term emotional neglect and assault can also be a factor. And indeed, many studies confirm that verbal and emotional abuse can cause just as much damage to the early developing brain as physical abuse (Teicher, 2006; Choi, 2009; Copeland, 2013).

Reenacting Trauma: The Trauma Repetition Cycle

Part of Complex PTSD is what therapists call “repetition compulsion.” In his book The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships, Patrick Carnes writes, “In part, trauma repetition is an effort by the victim to bring resolution to the traumatic memory. By repeating the experience, the victim tries anew to figure out a way to respond in order to eliminate the fear. Instead, the victim simply deepens the traumatic wound.”

It goes without saying that the number of traumas one experiences simultaneously will factor into the strength of the trauma repetition cycle. Traumas compounded with other traumas will increase the overall risk for trauma repetition in adulthood. It is no surprise that a study showed that children who are both mistreated at home and by their peers are more likely than children only mistreated at home to show significant mental health problems later in life. Due to the immense impact of these traumas as well as the emotional and psychological warfare that often accompanies bullying, survivors become conditioned to engage in negative self-talk, blame themselves for the abuse they’ve suffered and continue to the vicious cycle of abuse. They may struggle with a shame that should belong to their perpetrators and develop maladaptive ways of coping. These maladaptive mechanisms are attempts to survive unbearable, overwhelming lifelong trauma through destructive means that inevitably reenact and reinforce the trauma.

Complex trauma survivors may seek unsafe mechanisms to regain control (such as self-harm, undereating or overeating, abusing drugs, etc.) as an attempt to survive the experience. Toxic shame that arises from incidents of bullying and abuse can lead to behaviors such as sustaining abusive relationships, addiction, eating disorders, and reckless sexual behavior as futile attempts to avoid the trauma and create “numbing” in response to the symptoms. For example, The Adverse Childhood Experiences study showed that abuse in childhood not only contributes to increased risk for health problems such as obesity, heart disease, cancer, stroke, it also increased the risk of alcoholism, depression, suicide attempts, adolescent pregnancy, STDs, and missed work.

This reenactment of past trauma is not a coincidence – rather, it is a consequence of the trauma itself.

Social Isolation, Anxiety and Destructive Relationships

Another symptom of the complex trauma that accompanies bullying is increased social anxiety and self-isolation as a form of self-protection; bully victims often withdraw from school activities to avoid the sites where the bullying took place. They may become fearful and distrusting of their peers as well as authority figures, especially if they felt those people did nothing to protect them.

This pervasive sense of distrust unfortunately does not make the survivor immune to repeating these patterns in their adult relationships. When childhood trauma is ongoing and chronic, it becomes overwhelming to the body and leaves the body in a constant state of hypervigilance and hyperarousal (Perry, 2000). Betrayal by trusted friends, family members or even partners can cause what Patrick Carnes calls a “betrayal bond,” or trauma bonding.

Trauma bonds are bonds that develop between victims and their abusers; these bonds act as defense mechanisms that allow victims survive a tumultuous and hostile environment. Survivors of bullying both at home and at school may develop people-pleasing habits due to having to walk eggshells around their childhood abusers.

What conditions survivors to become tone-deaf to emotional and psychological violence in adolescence can also compel them to seek partners and friends that remind them of their first oppressors in adulthood. As bullied children become adults, they see emotional abuse as “familiar,” a dangerous comfort zone that keeps them trapped within the trauma repetition cycle.

This is why so many complex trauma survivors often blame themselves and continue to ‘bully’ themselves through self-harm when they engage in behaviors that are self-destructive, not knowing that trauma reenactment is often a symptom of their Complex PTSD.
 

Healing Complex Trauma

Despite the complex nature of the trauma that has been endured, there is hope for healing and self-reflection. Complex trauma survivors can address their subconscious programming using diverse healing modalities, including but not limited to traditional modes of therapy, EMDR, art therapy, hypnosis, sound therapy, meditation, yoga, reiki healing and other forms of bodywork that enables them to release the trauma on the level of mind, body and spirit. Healing modalities should always be discussed with a certified trauma counselor to ensure that the survivor is addressing their unique needs and triggers.

Survivors can learn to grieve the losses they’ve had in both childhood and adulthood, with the willingness to validate all of the emotions that arise from complex trauma. They can begin to gain distance from negative self-talk and learn to “reparent” their inner child with self-soothing techniques. They can seek validating support networks via group therapy with other trauma survivors, trusted friends or mentors, trauma-informed survivor forums and online communities. Most importantly, they can rewrite their narratives of helplessness to those of power and agency. While complex trauma survivors face a lifetime’s worth of bullying, they also develop a lifetime’s worth of resilience.

Source Link- Center for Healing Childhood Trauma

All of the Feels: Accepting the Gifts of Emotion

In our culture, we are taught that certain feelings are off limits. There is a general sense that if you’re not happy most of the time that you’re doing life wrong.

I went into my own therapy and my career of becoming a therapist to rid myself and others of all those inconvenient and unpleasant feelings of fear and pain. Before I began any of my own therapy, I didn’t even have words to describe what my therapist referred to as “feelings”. Why would I want to describe or acknowledge any of these horrible sensations and experiences with words that might allow other humans to understand what I was going through and maybe even see the real me?

After doing my best to avoid feelings in my therapist’s office for as long as he would allow, I acquiesced to his consistent, we’ll call it re-direction: “That’s not a feeling, that’s a thought”. When I started labeling my emotions I discovered something quite shocking—it takes a lot less energy and creates less suffering to just feel them and maybe, if you’re brave enough, to share them with someone else.

Upon deeper investigation, I began to understand that I had neatly tucked away my feelings. I had traded them in for a nicely organized chart of life experiences with lots of explanations and justifications to avoid ever experiencing any of those emotions. I later discovered this was called intellectualization, a distorted thinking pattern, set up by certain parenting missteps from my major caregivers.

The Gift of Emotion

I’ve also learned that each of the eight primary emotions offers us different gifts, and to avoid any of them negates a unique part of the human experience. It turns out that while I was avoiding all that pain and fear, I was actually avoiding a whole lot of joy, love, and passion as well.

Through my work here at The Meadows, I have seen how much damage can be done while trying to avoid feelings. People attempt to avoid feelings through various types of addictions and other unhealthy behaviors. Many times shame is a major contributing factor. Interestingly enough, as we try to medicate our feelings of shame and worthlessness, we are actually creating more shame, which then has to be medicated as well, leaving us in a never ending bind. By looking at our past we are able to identify the messages we received about which feelings are “okay” and which are not, and eventually learn to cope with all of them. By learning to tolerate and accept feelings the way they are, and not the way we want them to be, we allow ourselves to become more authentic. The result is that we are less prone to use those old methods of avoidance and self-protection that landed us in a heap of trouble.

The Eight Basic Feelings

So, you may be thinking, “why would I want to feel my feelings?” The answer is that each one of our emotions offers us a distinctive gift. Even fear, pain, and shame—emotions we are most likely to try to avoid—serve an important purpose.Healthy fear lets us know that we are in danger and should move to safety, literally keeping us alive.

Pain may be one of the reasons you’re on this particular website; and really, it’s one of the main catalysts for change. Most people do not enter a treatment program or make a major life change without first experiencing some amount of pain. Pain can be a real motivator and—let’s face it—sometimes a good cry feels really healing.

When it comes to our own shame, healthy feelings of shame offer us containment. As Pia Mellody says, we only need enough healthy shame to keep us from running naked down the street. Experiencing our own shame allows us to accept our own mistakes and humanity; and, with those experiences, we are able to accept the mistakes of others without all that self-righteous victim anger or resentment bubbling up.

Most people don’t end up in treatment because of having too much joy, passion, or love; however, maybe you grew up in a family where these feelings were not acknowledged or expressed. Joy, passion, and love are the building blocks of relationships and being able to get in touch with and express these three feelings can be a very powerful experience and improve your mood almost instantly.

Learning to Feel

I’d like to think that I’ve made friends with most of those eight emotions, and have learned that the most uncomfortable feelings offer me the greatest lessons.
If you are struggling to cope with your emotions, join us for one of our Survivors workshops. These workshops are designed to provide you insight into how your past is impacting your present, as well as, reducing reactivity and intensity of your feelings in your current relationships. Call 866-932-2036 for more information.

Source Link:- Trauma Therapy Arizona

Don’t Carry Shame into The New Year

Have you ever sent the wrong text message to the exact wrong person? I have. In fact, I did it recently. I sent a message about a person TO THAT person—the horror! The consequence? Well, besides being cut from that person’s Christmas card list, I suffered a complete and utter shame attack.

In Facing Codependence, Pia Mellody describes a shame attack as feeling “as though your body is getting smaller. You may blush, want to disappear, run away, or crawl under your chair. It seems that everyone is looking at you. Feeling nauseated, dizzy, or spacey is also common” (p.103). I can vouch for this: I curled up in the fetal position and wanted the ground to swallow me up. Not dramatic at all…

Mellody explains that a shame attack occurs when we encounter “carried shame.” Carried shame is induced into us from various types of traumas and abuses experienced in childhood. It diminishes our ability to experience self-worth and value and causes us to feel perpetually less than other people.

This carried shame forms the basis for the first symptom of codependence: “difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem…and is…the heart of codependence. And this is why codependence is called a shame-based disease” (Mellody, p.105 ).

Therefore, it is my New Year’s resolution to never send a text message to the wrong person ever again and avoid shame attacks from here on out.

OK, I’m joking.

My New Year’s resolution is to get better at practicing what I preach as a therapist. I want to continue to actively work on my carried shame that is at the core of my codependence.

So, I have made the decision and taken the necessary steps to continue with my recovery and progress made during my week at The Survivors I Workshop at The Rio Retreat Center, so that the next time I send the wrong text I can say “oops, my bad” instead of “I’m bad, take me now oh, Text Gods.”

Facing Childhood Trauma to Overcome Shame

The Survivors I: Healing Childhood Trauma Workshop is based on The Meadows Senior Fellow Pia Mellody’s pioneering work in her book, Facing Codependence. It is an essential component of The Meadows inpatient treatment program and is also open to interested individuals as a stand-alone workshop.

In a safe supportive environment, Survivors I explores the origins that fuel self-defeating behaviors such as addictions, trauma, mood disorders, and troubling relationships. The primary focus of this workshop is processing and releasing the negative messages and emotions that were rooted in painful experiences from the past allowing the freedom to embody your authentic self. For more information, or to register, call 866-244-4949 or email us.

Source Link – Center for Healing Childhood Trauma

Everyone needs a therapy…

When somebody mentions therapist, psychiatrist or mental health care specialist, we assume them to be a mental patient. The person having therapist may not be mental patient but instead just requires a little bit of help. The people who are suffering from emotional trauma just needs emotional support, which in our language we say Healing Trauma. We at Rio Retreat conduct various Healing from trauma workshops in Arizona. There are 5 different types of Trauma Therapy in Arizona provided by Rio Retreat:

1. Survivors I: Healing Childhood Trauma

We provide safe and supportive environment, in which victim faces his defeating behaviors such as addictions, trauma, mood disorders, and troubling relationships. The primary focus of this workshop is releasing the negative messages and emotions to embody your authentic self.

2. Survivors II: Continue the Healing Journey

Survivors II is an advanced intensive customized to meet the needs of the participants of Survivor I. It is structured for those suffering from unresolved childhood and adult trauma who are struggling with self-defeating behaviors they wish completion of its previous healing work.

3. Healing Intimate Treason: For Partners of Sex Addiction

Here we teach participants about the biology and the behavior of sex and love addiction. This is a workshop that assists partners in moving through their grief and loss, breaking free from the attachment to fantasy, and enhancing emotional self-regulation. The motto of this workshop is to create a safe and compassionate environment, which provides a path to healing as they travel on their own journey in recovery.

4. Healing Heartache: A Grief And Loss Workshop

Here participants are offered hope for the future. We believe that feelings and words that are left unsaid needs to be released through experiential exercises. Issues pertaining to relational problems are addressed, with an emphasis on recognizing emotional reactions to loss, trauma, and broken dreams.

Motivate Ourselves – Set Some Boundaries

We often try to motivate ourselves through should statements:
“I should have done better.” “I shouldn’t have said that.” “I should only have one cookie.”

But really, the only thing that is guaranteed from should-ing on ourselves is the emotional consequence of guilt.

This is also the case, in my experience at least, when other people should me. I’m not talking about constructive feedback or when we are learning a new skill, but the type of should-ing that occurs from people struggling with their own codependence.


Individuals who should us, are likely coming from their adapted ego state of needing to be in control. To test this, think of a time you told someone what they should have done instead of what they actually did; did you think you knew better?  Did you want to control the situation because you knew how it should be handled?  Did you believe a certain situation could have been avoided had someone just listened to your advice?

In my experience, there are days that I struggle to remain in my functional adult state and cross over to a state of being too vulnerable. This often occurs with particular individuals (parents, eh?) with whom I still grapple with damaged or fractured boundaries. On these days, or with these people, when I am should-ed upon, I have a shame attack and feelings of guilt that are difficult for me to shake off.

Protecting Yourself from Carried Guilt

Having experienced this very thing today, I would like to share some ways to overcome these feelings of guilt and shame and move back to our functional adult self.

Visualize your Boundaries
 
Remind yourself where you begin and end, and where they do. Sometimes it is helpful to reinforce this boundary through visualization. Some people picture a hula-hoop around them and gauge that space around them as theirs and protected. I tend to visualize building a small pony wall, and each brick has a needed word/affirmation on it. (e.g. trust, love, safe. ).

Reframe Your Thoughts

We feel guilt because we believe have erred in some way. Our own guilt lets us know that we have done something outside of our value system. Carried guilt, on the other hand, is induced into us from childhood trauma and strikes us even when something is not outside of our values. We may even blame ourselves for things that are not within our control. If you make the determination that you are feeling carried guilt instead of your own guilt, recognize that this particular should-ing experience is resulting in a cognitive distortion and work to reframe 

your thinking. For example:
“I am human and fallible.”
“This is not about me but it is about them and their cognitive distortions/codependence.

Talk About Your Boundaries

Having reframed your thoughts in order to work through the feelings of guilt, communicate with the individual in order to be heard and not to manipulate a particular response or reaction. This can be done through using Pia Mellody’s talking boundary:

“When I heard you say…
What I make up about that/What I think about that is…
And about that, I feel…”
Or even a simple I-statement:

“I feel..… when… because…”

Hopefully, through these three steps, you can move away from the feelings of guilt and the damaging effects of should-ing and back into your functional adult self. It worked for me today!

SOURCE LINK : Rio Retreat Center at the Meadows