In our culture,
we are taught that certain feelings are off limits. There is a
general sense that if you’re not happy most of the time that you’re
doing life wrong.
I went into my
own therapy and my career of becoming a therapist to rid myself and
others of all those inconvenient and unpleasant feelings of fear and
pain. Before I began any of my own therapy, I didn’t even have
words to describe what my therapist referred to as “feelings”.
Why would I want to describe or acknowledge any of these horrible
sensations and experiences with words that might allow other humans
to understand what I was going through and maybe even see the real
me?
After doing my
best to avoid feelings in my therapist’s office for as long as he
would allow, I acquiesced to his consistent, we’ll call it
re-direction: “That’s not a feeling, that’s a thought”. When
I started labeling my emotions I discovered something quite
shocking—it takes a lot less energy and creates less suffering to
just feel them and maybe, if you’re brave enough, to share them
with someone else.
Upon deeper
investigation, I began to understand that I had neatly tucked away my
feelings. I had traded them in for a nicely organized chart of life
experiences with lots of explanations and justifications to avoid
ever experiencing any of those emotions. I later discovered this was
called intellectualization, a distorted thinking pattern, set up by
certain parenting missteps from my major caregivers.
The
Gift of Emotion
I’ve also
learned that each of the eight primary emotions offers us different
gifts, and to avoid any of them negates a unique part of the human
experience. It turns out that while I was avoiding all that pain and
fear, I was actually avoiding a whole lot of joy, love, and passion
as well.
Through my work
here at The Meadows, I have seen how much damage can be done while
trying to avoid feelings. People attempt to avoid feelings through
various types of addictions and other unhealthy behaviors. Many times
shame is a major contributing factor. Interestingly enough, as we try
to medicate our feelings of shame and worthlessness, we are actually
creating more shame, which then has to be medicated as well, leaving
us in a never ending bind. By looking at our past we are able to
identify the messages we received about which feelings are “okay”
and which are not, and eventually learn to cope with all of them. By
learning to tolerate and accept feelings the way they are, and not
the way we want them to be, we allow ourselves to become more
authentic. The result is that we are less prone to use those old
methods of avoidance and self-protection that landed us in a heap of
trouble.
The
Eight Basic Feelings
So, you may be
thinking, “why would I want to feel my feelings?” The answer is
that each one of our emotions offers us a distinctive gift. Even
fear, pain, and shame—emotions we are most likely to try to
avoid—serve an important purpose.Healthy fear lets
us know that we are in danger and should move to safety, literally
keeping us alive.
Pain may be one
of the reasons you’re on this particular website; and really, it’s
one of the main catalysts for change. Most people do not enter a
treatment program or make a major life change without first
experiencing some amount of pain. Pain can be a real motivator
and—let’s face it—sometimes a good cry feels really healing.
When it comes to
our own shame, healthy feelings of shame offer us containment. As Pia
Mellody says, we only need enough healthy shame to keep us from
running naked down the street. Experiencing our own shame allows us
to accept our own mistakes and humanity; and, with those experiences,
we are able to accept the mistakes of others without all that
self-righteous victim anger or resentment bubbling up.
Most people don’t
end up in treatment because of having too much joy, passion, or love;
however, maybe you grew up in a family where these feelings were not
acknowledged or expressed. Joy, passion, and love are the building
blocks of relationships and being able to get in touch with and
express these three feelings can be a very powerful experience and
improve your mood almost instantly.
Learning
to Feel
I’d like to
think that I’ve made friends with most of those eight emotions, and
have learned that the most uncomfortable feelings offer me the
greatest lessons.
If you are
struggling to cope with your emotions, join us for one of our
Survivors workshops. These workshops are designed to provide you
insight into how your past is impacting your present, as well as,
reducing reactivity and intensity of your feelings in your current
relationships. Call 866-932-2036 for more information.
Source Link:- Trauma Therapy Arizona
