Healing the Roots of Women’s Sexual and Relational Struggles

Girls are often born into this world surrounded by messages about who they are supposed to be, and who they should become; Be cute.  Smile.  Be a nice girl.  Just give them a hug.  Don’t make a fuss.  Suck in your belly.  Be the ideal body type.  Look sexy.  Stay pure and innocent.  Be good in bed.  You can have it all if you do it this way.

Is it any wonder why girls and women struggle with feeling comfortable in their own skin?  There is such a deep and contradictory connection between the messages they receive about their bodies, their emotional expression, and how to be sexual and relational.  Girls and women are set up to be at odds with themselves inside—to question their own experience and reality within.

Those messages are tiny ruptures in the attachments girls and women have with the people conveying them.  They’re conveyed through words or examples.  Subtle hurts, that develop insecurities.  They may be layered on top of even more abandoning or abusing experiences from family members, friends, teachers, coaches, spiritual authorities, leaders and authority figures, intimate partners, bosses, colleagues, and strangers.

• 1 out of 3 girls will be sexually abused before they reach age 18 (dosomething.org, 2018)
• 1 in 3 women ages 18 to 34 has been sexually harassed at work (timesupnow.com, 2018)
• 80% of 21-year-olds abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder (dosomething.org, 2018)

The “Me Too” and “Time’s Up” movements of today are reflective of what many girls and women have long known; that it’s difficult to move through the world without having your body, sexuality, identity, and more be objectified or used in some way.  These movements encourage individuals to step out of isolation, into shared truth and support and are messages that are useful for all.

Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) shows that women who experienced these messages, abandonments, and/or abuses when they were younger, are very likely to struggle with being sexual and relational as adults. 

“Among individuals with a history of adverse childhood experiences, risky sexual behavior may represent their attempts to achieve intimate interpersonal connections. Having grown up in families unable to provide needed protection, such individuals may be unprepared to protect themselves and may underestimate the risks they take in their attempts to achieve intimacy” (Hillis, Andra, Felitti, & Marchbanks, 2001).

These childhood experiences can develop into adult intimacy issues ranging on a spectrum from attachment disorders (over- or under-connecting with others) to sex and love addiction issues (confusing sex with love, being compulsively sexual, fearing and avoiding sex, inconsistent boundaries in and around sex, and more).  Girls experience early life attachment ruptures and carry them into womanhood.  Adverse childhood experiences shape how women see themselves, see the world around them and see themselves in relationship to the world.  They may find themselves with unconscious, seemingly body-driven urges to over-connect with some people, and under-connect or wall off with others.  They may even find themselves seeking validation and closeness from people and situations that could cause further hurt, as they strive to fill unmet needs from childhood.  Sometimes the only way for a woman to feel a sense of power and control over the world that has exploited her is to become the exploiter of herself—of her body, emotional expression, and how she is sexual and relational. This is often how eating disorder and sex addiction issues arise. 

In sex addiction, women essentially reenact the trauma they’ve survived, or try to avoid more of that trauma, by using their bodies. 

A woman may use the sex appeal she’s been taught to develop, to build intrigue with a sexual or relational partner, and have a brief encounter seemingly without strings attached by remaining emotionally walled off in an attempt to avoid possible hurt.  She may do this repeatedly. 

For the same intention, a woman may get involved with a partner who’s already involved in a primary relationship, lending itself to limited emotional entanglement for her. 

Or a woman may feel over-connected emotionally to a long-term relationship partner who gives her more affection and attention than she can handle.  It feels engulfing and unsafe but she doesn’t want to make a fuss like she was taught.  So she may need to get away to breathe and act out in an affair which seems simpler. 

Or a woman may find masturbation as a way to soothe herself, without having to be relational with others—especially if she has a negative body image—yet find herself needing more frequency and intensity to feel the same degree of soothing.  She may need to use a substance or another process to take the edge off being sexual because she feels scared, ashamed, or overwhelmed. 

And so many other examples.

These types of sexual and relational experiences are just an illusion of power and control, of course, because in trauma reenactment and addiction, women are not operating from the frontal cortex of the brain where logic and intentionality live.  Instead, they are very much out of control or hijacked, by the limbic brain that holds implicit memories, drives, distorted perceptions, and survival modes of fight/flight/freeze.  They’re unable to decipher what their body and emotions truly tell them.  All the messages, abandonments, and/or abuses they’ve carried are a barrier to their true needs.  Women with this lifelong set-up are bound by the type of soothing and relief that sexual and relational acting out seems to provide, however brief.  This brings susceptibility for unsafe sex, sex with unsafe partners, exploiting others and being exploited by others, infidelity, and more. At the root, it is a woman’s best attempt to feel comfortable in her own skin, while actually sacrificing that very body which is her home.

Devastating as this cycle is, there is hope.

Just as women’s realities within are shaped by hurts, their realities can also be shaped by healing and recovery.

Ironically, healing and recovery for women’s sex addiction is rooted where the seeds of the hurts began—in the body, emotional expression, and sexual and relational attachment templates.  Working slowly, and with a strong, safe, and qualified support system, women can explore the early messages, abandonments, and/or abuses they’ve carried.  Expert therapists, somatic and experiential practitioners, 12 Step fellowships, and groups of women who have walked this path themselves are so valuable; this is a somatic healing process, using the body’s inner wisdom as a guide—attuning to grief, heartache, suppressed anger, and a core of shame and worthlessness that is often old and familiar.  Experientially, this history can be moved through to bring shifts from the inside out. Honoring and acknowledging what has happened.  Using experiential processes to move carried toxicity out of her worldview in a fully embodied way.  Developing healthy attachments that provide repair.  And addressing real and tangible boundaries to change her future.  This is a recovering path built on a woman’s newly developing trust in herself and her reality within.  This is a path that allows a woman who has survived struggle to overcome the messages and hurts and find comfort in her own skin as well as recognition that she is deeply worthy of that comfort and the boundaries to protect it.  This is freedom from the inside out.

Journey of a Woman’s Heart: Finding True Intimacy is a five-day intensive therapeutic workshop offered at the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows designed to cultivate this healing and recovery.  Women are supported as they work through the roots of their sexual and relational struggles, where the seeds of the hurts began.  Identifying traumatic messages, abandonments, and/or abuses, and how they have sacrificed their own bodies and spirits through sexual and relational patterns in attempts to manage it all, is at the heart of this workshop.  The process is led by an experienced therapist in a small group of up to six participants to maximize the healing power of walking alongside others and moving out of isolation toward shared freedom.  For more details, call 866-582-9850.

References:

11 Facts about child abuse.  Retrieved January 2018 from http://www.dosomething.org/us/facts/11-facts-about-child-abuse.

Cosmopolitan survey of 2,235 full and part-time female employees, 2015.  Retrieved January 2018 from http://www.timesupnow.com.

Hillis SD, Andra RF, Felitti VJ, Marchbanks PA.  Adverse childhood experiences and sexual risk behaviors in women: a retrospective cohort study.  Fam Plann Perspec.  2001 Sep-Oct;33(5):206-11.  PMID: 11589541.

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Tian Dayton Psychodrama Workshop

Content Source: Relationship Retreat Center

THRIVE is an experiential intensive that takes you to the next level of recovery.

Hanging onto old pain keeps us preoccupied with our past and anxious about our future, rather than living in the present. Releasing dysfunctional roles and embracing new ones empowers us to experience our full potential. But before we’re able to release worn out roles, we need to give voice and shape to them. This action oriented process will provide a unique opportunity to engage in an exploration that will lead you to a greater sense of aliveness and purpose: a life changing new experience carved out of time to energize and revitalize —to live your actualized life!


The workshop will emphasize:

• Forgiveness
• Resilience Training
• Post Traumatic Growth
• Consolidating Recovery Gains
  
  
  

To THRIVE is to……

Engage: More fully and mindfully in your relationships and day-to-day life.
Embrace: A deepened and more purposeful sense of self.
Expand: And revitalize your life roles.
Energize: Forgive the past to live more fully in the present.
Empower: Take ownership of your own healing and attitude towards life.

Healing Relational Trauma

Healing The Family

Our team is strongly committed to the emotional health and healing of spouses, partners, and families impacted by the consequences of negative behaviors. We understand that destructive patterns often result in hurt, betrayal and a breakdown in trust between the individual and their family members. The Meadows' Rio Retreat Workshops have been developed to help participants tackle their emotional issues and gain a better understanding of how they can discover a better way of living.

Rebuilding Relationships

Workshops at the Rio Retreat Center are designed to help you understand your own needs, desires, emotions, habits, and everything else that makes you who you are. The more you know about yourself, the better equipped you are to engage in healthy relationships and have an improved sense of self. To learn more about the Rio Retreat Center or to sign up for one of our groundbreaking workshops, call us at 866-835-5431 or fill out the form below and a representative will be happy to provide you more information.

Why We Grieve: The Importance of Mourning Loss

Grief and Loss Workshop at The Rio Retreat Center

Healing Heartache: A Grief And Loss Workshop provides a safe, sacred for participants to lean into the grief, which facilitates the healing. Loss can come in many forms including death of a loved one, loss of one's health, relationship losses, major life changes, lost opportunities, etc. During this 5-day workshop:

• Cumulative loss over the life cycle will be examined,
• Myths and inaccurate messages about grief will be dispelled, helping to normalize feelings,
• Thinking processes and patterns of destructive behavior following trauma or loss will be explored
• Feelings and words left unsaid will be released through experiential exercises,
• Issues pertaining to relational problems will be addressed, with an emphasis on recognizing emotional reactions to loss, trauma, and broken dreams,
• Resources will be offered to assist participants in moving forward, and
• Psycho-education on grief and recovery will be provided, offering hope for the future.

To register, or for more information, call 866-986-3225.

Note: This article originally appeared on The Huffington Post

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Couples Bootcamp: Working It Out In The Desert

Corrine and Joe have been married for seven years. This marriage is the second one for both of them. They elected to attend Couples Boot Camp to “improve our communication and resolve ongoing arguments about the amount of time we spend together.”

 

While each of them proclaims their love for the other, they also have different expectations about what coupleship looks like in terms of quality personal time vs. family time, and the issues are causing a rift that invites bickering and further withdrawal.

Consider this: Your partner’s behavior isn’t what drives you crazy. Your own brain is.

What you learned about relationships likely came from interactions, dysfunction, and traumas you experienced in your family of origin. You may often hear the strident voice of your immature brain reminding you of the less-than-ideal things you may have learned about the way adult couples are supposed to treat as you navigate your relationship with your partner. Rob complains that Jennifer is so reticent and depressed that he has lost hope that he can be enough for her. He is weary of being the cheerleader and counselor to her. Jennifer admits she has low self-esteem and counters that Rob’s constant nagging and criticism have worn her down. Both come from family backgrounds of addiction and emotional abuse. They aren’t sure they can remain together; however, both recognize that their unresolved issues will likely carry over to any future partners. They state that Boot Camp may be their last resort to stay together.

At this workshop, participants learn that they are not so much addressing their partner’s behavior as they are reacting to unaddressed family of origin wounds. When they stop projecting their past relational disappointments onto their spouse or partner, the path becomes clear for a more rewarding, intimate coupleship. Boot Camp process includes exploring family of origin roles and dysfunctional messages that individuals carry into their committed relationships.

Marilee and Jason have been together since high school. They acknowledge that they argue and “fight like we are still 16 years old.” As their 29th anniversary draws near, they wonder if they have simply outgrown each other or will they be able to redefine the relationship from a new perspective as life-long partners. They value the comfort and joy their children and grandchildren give them but dread the thought of spending the rest of their lives unhappily married to each other. Their objective at Boot Camp is to find a way to restart the marriage as mid-life adults.

This workshop curriculum invites exploration of skewed relationship thinking and offers respectful solution-finding to unresolved and/or repetitive relational issues. Couples find that this supportive environment is a safe place to examine difficulties within their relationship. Because the participants reduce areas of shame and open up previously-closed dialog, they learn through guided processes to problem-solve together and mediate agreeable solutions. Among other communication tools, healthy boundaries and limit-setting are introduced as effective strategies for bringing couples to a higher level of trust and intimacy. “Aha!” moments are not uncommon throughout this week.

Workshops are held for two to three couples at a time. The benefits of positive and supportive feedback from the group peers are plentiful. Among them:

• couples realize that they are not alone in their relational issues; others have the same problems;
• hearing viewpoints of several different facets can shed light on a previously murky solution;
• genuine, positive regard among all the participants can bring healing in unexpected ways for other areas of wounding.

If you are open to learning more about yourself, your beloved, and the life path you both share, Couples Boot Camp may serve as the relationship experience you seek. For more information or to enroll in a Couples Bootcamp call the Intake Department at 1-866-986-3225.

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Mutual Respect and The Power of Intimacy

Power is a very interesting phenomenon. I remember having numerous conversations about the complex intersection of power and relationships in graduate school. There was a lot of confusion as to what exactly power even is.
One of the most common misunderstandings about power is that it is a linear phenomenon. In fact, power comes at us from numerous sources all of the time.

The second most common misunderstanding is that power is a zero-sum game— either you have it or I have it. And whatever you have, I can’t have, and vice-versa. This fundamentally flawed way of thinking about power greatly impacts our experiences in relationships.

There are two main ways we experience power in our relationships: power with and power over (you have power over someone else or some else has power over you). The Man Rules say that real men have power and are never weak or powerless. Therefore, from a very early age, young boys are encouraged to find power over – power over others, power over their feelings, and power over themselves.

The Woman Rules say that women should be cooperative, passive, nurturing, selfless, and not too strong. Therefore, from a very early age, young girls are encouraged to find power with. Women are expected to share power with others even if it puts them at a disadvantage; even when it means they have to give up their own power.

And that is the rub in so many heterosexual relationships.

Making Peace with Power

You cannot have a relationship that doesn’t involve a complex interaction with power. What some people don’t often consider is that power can be healthy. In fact, it is an essential part of the day-to-day human experience.

To help us explore the complexity of power in relationships, we can look to the classic Karpman drama triangle which illustrates the shifting, and sometimes destructive, roles of persecutor, rescuer, and victim that people play in relational conflicts. In this “drama triangle” each person involved in a conflict experiences and acts out all of these roles at different times. The role we take on can determine how we perceive our partners, interpret their behavior, and interact with them.

The reason these triangles arise, and often endure, is that each person, regardless of their role, finds that they get their unspoken, and often unconscious, psychological needs met by playing these roles—roles which they most likely originally “perfected” through the power dynamic that played out within their family as a child.

Whether they play the victim or persecutor, or some combination of all three roles, in the end, each person feels justified in acting upon their needs. Feeling satisfied, they often conveniently fail to acknowledge the dysfunctional ways they tend to go about getting their needs met, or the harm that is being done as a result to themselves, their partners, or any third parties (like children) who may be directly or indirectly involved in their conflict.

When there are times of disconnection in the relationship and even if, for whatever reason, there is a loss of respect between partners, intimacy can only be restored in the space of mutuality. We have to move away from the desire to have power over our partners toward the experience of having power with them. When we are able to uncover how our emotional needs arise from our childhood trauma, and release some of that pain, we have the ability to break free from the drama triangle and build an intimate and nurturing environment of mutual respect. Is it easier to let our relationships fall into a series of power plays or to maintain a space of mutual respect? I would suggest the former.

We have to build up our emotional and spiritual muscle in order to truly listen to our partners and maintain respect, especially when they are being their very human and imperfect selves and not doing what we want them to do or being who we want them to be.

Source Link : Mutual Respect

Motivate Ourselves – Set Some Boundaries

We often try to motivate ourselves through should statements:
“I should have done better.” “I shouldn’t have said that.” “I should only have one cookie.”

But really, the only thing that is guaranteed from should-ing on ourselves is the emotional consequence of guilt.

This is also the case, in my experience at least, when other people should me. I’m not talking about constructive feedback or when we are learning a new skill, but the type of should-ing that occurs from people struggling with their own codependence.


Individuals who should us, are likely coming from their adapted ego state of needing to be in control. To test this, think of a time you told someone what they should have done instead of what they actually did; did you think you knew better?  Did you want to control the situation because you knew how it should be handled?  Did you believe a certain situation could have been avoided had someone just listened to your advice?

In my experience, there are days that I struggle to remain in my functional adult state and cross over to a state of being too vulnerable. This often occurs with particular individuals (parents, eh?) with whom I still grapple with damaged or fractured boundaries. On these days, or with these people, when I am should-ed upon, I have a shame attack and feelings of guilt that are difficult for me to shake off.

Protecting Yourself from Carried Guilt

Having experienced this very thing today, I would like to share some ways to overcome these feelings of guilt and shame and move back to our functional adult self.

Visualize your Boundaries
 
Remind yourself where you begin and end, and where they do. Sometimes it is helpful to reinforce this boundary through visualization. Some people picture a hula-hoop around them and gauge that space around them as theirs and protected. I tend to visualize building a small pony wall, and each brick has a needed word/affirmation on it. (e.g. trust, love, safe. ).

Reframe Your Thoughts

We feel guilt because we believe have erred in some way. Our own guilt lets us know that we have done something outside of our value system. Carried guilt, on the other hand, is induced into us from childhood trauma and strikes us even when something is not outside of our values. We may even blame ourselves for things that are not within our control. If you make the determination that you are feeling carried guilt instead of your own guilt, recognize that this particular should-ing experience is resulting in a cognitive distortion and work to reframe 

your thinking. For example:
“I am human and fallible.”
“This is not about me but it is about them and their cognitive distortions/codependence.

Talk About Your Boundaries

Having reframed your thoughts in order to work through the feelings of guilt, communicate with the individual in order to be heard and not to manipulate a particular response or reaction. This can be done through using Pia Mellody’s talking boundary:

“When I heard you say…
What I make up about that/What I think about that is…
And about that, I feel…”
Or even a simple I-statement:

“I feel..… when… because…”

Hopefully, through these three steps, you can move away from the feelings of guilt and the damaging effects of should-ing and back into your functional adult self. It worked for me today!

SOURCE LINK : Rio Retreat Center at the Meadows

Helping Therapists Healing from Their Own Trauma

The Meadows has been facilitating its signature workshop, Survivors, for more than 30 years. Many people’s lives have been changed by the opportunity to confront the deep emotional impact of their childhood trauma.

Therapists, clinicians, and treatment providers often refer patients to our intensive workshops when they need to do some deeper work in an emotional nurturing and safe place. And, sometimes, professionals come to us to do their own healing.

A little over one year ago, The Meadows workshop department grew and took up residence at the new Rio Retreat Center in Wickenburg, Arizona. We were able to greatly expand our workshop offerings to the general public and provide an even more comfortable, peaceful and beautiful setting in which to heal.

We are now pleased to expand our workshop schedule even further by responding to the request we’ve got from many professionals to host a Survivors workshop that is open only to them. Our hope is that this will allow participants to take a step back from their professional responsibilities and focus on themselves and their own healing. Here are a few frequently asked questions about the upcoming workshops:

What is Survivors I: Healing Childhood Relational Trauma for Professionals?
Survivors I: Healing Childhood Relational Trauma for Professionals is our standard Survivors workshop but will be limited to participants who are professionals in the field of behavioral health. Some feedback that we received from professionals who attended Survivors I before included concerns about being placed in groups with other participants who could potentially be former or future clients. Many professionals also felt it was difficult to take off their therapist hats during Survivors Workshop. When we asked professionals what we could do to improve their experiences, they said that they wanted to be in groups with their peers and they wanted to be able to use at least the psycho-educational portion of the workshop to receive continuing education credit. We are happy to say that we are able to now accommodate both of these requests.

Let’s face it, there is no such thing as a perfect childhood. Some people have overt or obvious trauma from their childhoods while others have less obvious struggles. Regardless of the type of childhood trauma; most therapists (at least those who tend to refer clients to The Meadows) agree that the messages we receive in childhood about ourselves, our relationships, and the world we live in continue to impact us long into adulthood. This continues to be true even if we are already on a healing journey! Read More

Finding Real Joy This Christmas

Source Link: Retreat Center Arizon
By Laura Parrot Perry
Note: The following post originally appeared on the blog In Others’ Words. The author, Laura Parrott Perry, is a mother, an art teacher, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and an advocate for fellow survivors. It is reposted here with her permission.

We careen through a season built for stillness and reverence.
We have a tendency to judge those people who manage eschew the madness. I mean, most good holiday movies have a character like that, right? We tend to chalk it up to being a grouch, or miserly, or having lost the meaning of Christmas.
I don’t know… I’ve always had a soft spot for His Grinchiness. I do love a curmudgeon. I think in many ways, the Green One was onto something. Listen closely to what he says- he’s not ranting about Christmas at all. He expresses dismay over “packages, boxes, and bags” and extravagant feasts. He rails against the “noise, noise, noise, noise.” None of that is Christmas. All of that is hustle.

We have a tendency to judge those people who manage eschew the madness. I mean, most good holiday movies have a character like that, right? We tend to chalk it up to being a grouch, or miserly, or having lost the meaning of Christmas.
I don’t know… I’ve always had a soft spot for His Grinchiness. I do love a curmudgeon. I think in many ways, the Green One was onto something. Listen closely to what he says- he’s not ranting about Christmas at all. He expresses dismay over “packages, boxes, and bags” and extravagant feasts. He rails against the “noise, noise, noise, noise.” None of that is Christmas. All of that is hustle.
‘Tis the season, all right. The season of HUSTLE.

I really began thinking about this a few weeks ago, in the lead up to Thanksgiving. This season is a particularly challenging time for survivors of childhood trauma. So much of our abuse happens within the family, and holidays often mean going home to the scene of the crime. Literally.